FLIBBIDY-FLUB! GOONEY-GOO-GOO! Author and scientist Martin Rees, Britain's "astronomer royal," has calculated the odds that some apocalyptic cataclysm will soon destroy the world as we know it - and maybe even the entire universe - to be 50-fuckin-50. Among the biggest threats, according to Rees: nuclear terrorism, deadly engineered viruses, genetic engineering that could alter human character and yer old pal Jerky's personal favorite: "rogue machines." In his new book - sporting the breath-taking title Our Final Hour: A scientist warns how terror, error, and environmental disaster threaten humankind's future in this century on Earth and beyond - Rees predicts that by 2020, a single act of bioterror - or, potentially, bioerror - will have killed a million people somewhere on the planet. And don't even get him started on recent particle accelerator experiments which he claims have the potential to create black holes that could crush the planet and everything on it down to the size of a basketball in the blink of an eye. So… what's the solution? How do we keep the mad geniuses in our midst from dooming us all with their confounded curiosity? "There is a growing gap between doors that are open and doors that should be open," Rees cryptically states. "We need to keep track of those who have potentially lethal knowledge. We also need to do more to reduce the number of people who feel excluded or otherwise motivated to cause harm." As for yer old pal Jerky, he advocates that we all abandon modern life and return to a state of nature. I call dibs on Montana! Just a reminder: your fellow citizen Jose Padilla has been held incommunicado in a military prison for over a year now, without access to a lawyer or any of the humanitarian organizations that have asked to meet with him. "Did I ever think a year later I would still be fighting just to see him?" his lawyer, Donna Newman, recently told reporters. "Of course not. This is America. Things like that aren't supposed to happen here." Remember, folks: There, but by the grace of Dubya, go we. Finally, a government official makes himself USEFUL! Congressman Ike Skelton (D-MO) was so concerned about the lack of historical sense displayed by many newly-minted military officers and other higher-ups on the national security scene, he decided to put together a rather impressive National Security Book List, containing fifty tomes that Skelton believes all officers, Members of Congress, and regular citizens who are interested in national security issues should be familiar with. "Professional Military Education is a particular interest of mine," the Senator declared upon release of his list. "I consider myself lucky that my longtime hobby as a military history enthusiast has complemented my work in Congress as a member of the House Armed Services Committee. Through the years, I have benefited enormously by seeking out books recommended by others who share my interest in history and military affairs. The fifty books I have chosen cover the topics of leadership, character, and military art. The subject matter ranges from ancient to modern warfare, although a large number of my recommendations focus on the Civil War and World War II." You can peruse the list HERE. Yer old pal Jerky's already read five of the books listed, and he plans to tackle more in the coming months. Citing "religious themes" and "excessive violence," government censors in Egypt have decided to bar theaters in that country from showing The Matrix Reloaded. Futhermore, according to aptly-named government censor Madkour Thabit: "there is no specific scene to which the committee objected, but it is about the movie as a whole." Which means there's no chance for Warners to submit a re-cut. Some Egyptians who are upset with the decision claim the real reason for the ban has more to do with the unrest caused by the first film in the trilogy, which was widely interpreted by Egyptian movie-goers at the time as being "pro-Zionist propaganda." Film critic Wael Abdel Fatah remembers: "the press launched a campaign to stop showing the movie. That is why they are very cautious, to avoid any criticism this year." Which makes a lot more sense to yer old pal Jerky. I mean, doesn't every movie made in Egypt have religious themes? And since when have Egyptians ever been concerned with excessive violence, anyway?! If history is any guide, they fuckin' can't get enough of that shit! So what's y'all's opinion on TNN's new Saturday night show, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge? Yer old pal Jerky and pals think it's a frickin' riot, to the point where it's already become a regular Saturday night thing. We gather 'round the tube on Saturday, spark up, sling back a few and get ready to bust a gut laughing at all the hilariously re-dubbed antics. It's a pathetic way to spend a Saturday night, I know, but I'm afraid it can't be helped. Anyway, the best part of the show is watching all these fricking idiots - Asian and otherwise - fling their bodies towards certain agony (at least) for some sort of small cash prize. Yer old pal Jerky's personal favorite events are Sinkers and Floaters (lots of broken rib action there!) and the spine-shattering Log Roll. So whuddaya think? Does this show have what it takes to become a cult hit? Do you think it's as funny as we do? Let us know at feedback@dailydirt.com! THIS WEEK, in ROTWANG'S ROCK-AND-ROLL DEATH-LAB! Have you ever thought about doin' a Julio? What's that? You don't know what that means? Well then, by all means, click on over to Rotwang's Death-Lab and find out for yourself! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 11 On this day in 1963, segregationist governor George Wallace stands at the doors of the University of Alabama in order to symbolically display his personal disgust at the admittance of black students to that fine institution of higher learning. One wonders whether, upon Wallace's death a few years ago, whether Jesus took it upon himself to personally block the Pearly Gates? Remember that Buddhist monk who set himself on fire in the streets of Saigon to protest the war in Vietnam? His name was Quang Duc. The ballsy fucker killed himself - just to make a point - on this day in the year 1963. On this day in the year 1184 BC, the Greeks capture some unlucky bastard by the name of Troy. On this day in 1963, President John F. Kennedy declares segregation to be morally wrong, and says that "now is the time to act." He then walks back into the Oval Office and dove into a cocaine-fueled three-way quickie with Joey Heatherton and Pierre Salinger. On this day in 1990, the United Nations appoints Olivia Newton-John as a "global environmental ambassador." Chaos ensues!

THEY SAID IT! "I will make this short, as I know it will be hard to deal with. If you haven't heard by now, I have passed away. I know I should have told you, but I have been depressed and suicidal for a long, long time -- it is all right to be sad and it is all right to cry. These types of things tend to happen, and it really isn't that big of a deal. Death is just another part of life." - With help from an online pro-suicide group, 19 year old Florida student Suzy Gonzales learned how to pose as a jeweler to get access to cyanide, which she used to off herself. Above is part of her suicide note. Two dozen suicides have so far been linked to the group. *** *** *** "Tell my mam I love her and I will always be by her side, no matter what." - Constant intimidation and harrassment made 16 year old British high-schooler Karl Peart's life a living Hell... and unendurable. That's why he downed some tranqs and booze to end his torment. Heads should roll over this. But they won't.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Jim Eby... It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations." Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Shit!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theater. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Chad for sending in today's second joke. Q: How many people with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb? A: Let's go ride bikes! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Henry Bent sent in today's worst joke. A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?" "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: You're an ugly cunt, Jerky. No wonder you are a liberal. BTW you forgot to include your email address in your new design. Cheers: John Holy Hemisync! An ugly cunt? And worse... a LIBERAL?! Where the hell does all this white-hot HATE come from, yer old pal Jerky is forced to wonder? Anyway, I fixed it so our e-mail address is included now, so hopefully that'll calm this ground-pounding mongoloid down enough so that he doesn't come find me and rape my ass with a broken champagne bottle. *** **** *** Dear Mr. LeBeef: I`m glad I`m 58 years of old age, as I might not live to see the complete end of freedom in this country. My doctor wants me to sign a release of information for the "National Security and Intelligence Activities" and the "Protective Services for the President and Others." Somehow I get the feeling that I won`t need to be signing this release for it to be effective. Keep up the good work and keep the Dirt coming. Although I`m afraid that it might already be too late. Signed: yop Bruce It's not too late yet, Bruce. Yer old pal Jerky is the first to admit it's getting close. Those with eyes to see cannot ignore the shadows growing longer. Those with ears to hear can sense the rhythmic echo-crunch of jackboots tromp-tromping ever closer, the sound of the future sneaking up on us. Those with noses to smell are made nauseous by the rough beast's musky stench. But it's not too late yet. *** **** *** LOSER YOUR WRONG; "On this day in 1985, French agents restore a sense of pride to the nation's much maligned military by blowing up and sinking the un-armed Greenpeace boat Rainbow Warrior, off the coast of New Zealand." BULLSHIT!! It was tied up in a regular harbour type wharf!!! Get it right next time. Cunt. Signed: Charlie Browning Ah... to be called a cunt, twice in one day, by two separate idiots. Truly, this must mean I'm making a difference in the world! But please do explain, Charlie old chum... you say I was "wrong" to describe the Rainbow Warrior as being "off the coast" when she was sunk by the French military. You then go on to say that she was tied up at a wharf. But isn't a wharf located in the water? And if so, it has to be off the coast, right? So doesn't this mean my original description of events was essentially correct? I'll expect your unconditional apology to be in my inbox by noon, today.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: BIG DICKS, BEWARE! Care of: Kate So, if you think having a huge dick is equivalent to winning the Nobel Prize in terms of 'human worth', I have a story to share, that will silence the whimpers of the 'itty-dicks' and send a shiver down the backs of 'big-dicks' (unless you're the sick kind of fuck who gets off on this shit). I know a girl who is a real slut, and she is a self-profressed slut. She shits, eats, fucks, blows, and sleeps, besides sometimes working as an actress. One night she was fucking this guy who had a really huge dick, and I don't mean huge dick in the sense that it managed to 'fill' the vaginal canal, I mean HUGE dick in the sense that he was so well endowed he should've been gay. While they were fucking, and fucking, and fucking, she suddenly felt a really sharp pain. Thinking nothing of it, she continued without question, until... she began feeling really lubed, like REALLY lubed. He was impressed by her 'waterfall' and consequently came, she as well. When they looked down however, they realized they were fucking in a pool of blood and she was dripping blood from her vagina. Being the considerate gentleman I'm sure he is, he drove her to the hospital whereupon diagnosis, she was told his unusually large penis had surpassed the vagina and punctured her bladder! He had consequently been fucking her bladder and the liquid puddle on the bed had been a mixture of blood and piss! Needless to say she has been left with an impression of large dicks that is not enviable, for everytime she fucks someone, she has to take a pill right after or else her bladder will begin bleeding again. Moral of the story: Be happy with what you've got, since there's at least one slut out there who'd rather fuck a little dick. - Kate [Listen, Kate, I told you I already apologized to Courtney about that. What more does she want from me?! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com